Assertiveness and how to use it effectively
What comes to mind when you read the word ‘assertive’ in connection with, perhaps, a colleague, client or family member? It’s a descriptor that often has negative connotations. Pushy, overbearing, competitive, even aggressive, when taken to the extreme.
Yet, assertiveness is a positive quality that is about getting your own needs met or voice heard. It can be helpful to others too – to enter into healthy debate or challenge is important to highlight things that they might be ‘blinkered’ about.
What makes the difference between assertiveness and aggressive behaviour is how you do it – making sure that in asserting your own needs, you are not being disrespectful of the rights of others.
The point is to consider both perspectives in a situation. If we acknowledge that we have the following rights…
- To be ourselves
- To express our opinions and to have them respected
- To take our own needs into account
- To ask others for help, information/explanation
- To make mistakes
- To be successful and use our talents
- To change our mind
- To say ‘no’
- To have choice in when to assert our needs
…then it follows that others have those rights too. Ask yourself what your beliefs are about your rights and those of others – you may reveal some interesting beliefs that may be holding you back from being either more assertive or more respectful of other’s perspectives.
There may be times when it is advantageous for you to be less assertive about your needs/views in order to accommodate the other person’s needs or to avoid conflict escalating. Typical good times to do this are when:
- There is no chance of satisfying your needs or addressing your concerns
- The issue is more important to the other person than to you
- It’s more important to preserve the relationship than argue the issue
- You realise you are wrong
- You want to ‘build up credits’ with the other person by showing that you are prepared to give way to allow them to get more of their needs met.
The ideal way of using assertiveness is to seek to get your needs understood while listening to the needs of others and seeking a way that everyone can be satisfied. It takes a willingness for all involved to be open and to be flexible to find a collaborative way forward but this will ultimately be to everyone’s benefit.
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If you’re interested in developing your self awareness, communication or management skills, confidence, time management or just getting focus on your goals, do get in touch to discuss. I believe everyone has the potential to improve their performance, motivation and happiness – coaching works because you become accountable to an external person who is a source of encouragement and support – as well as challenging your barriers.
Email Zoë Whitby: zoe@zwcoaching.co.uk
Call on: 07919 201128
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